Hopes vs. Reality

With the start of the movie last week it seems our lives have been centered on Afghanistan. Our lives are about to be put into a washing machine again.....for we've been given notice that my husband will be required to deploy again. Never mind that it will be his 10th deployment in 18 years, really 15 if you count all the training years. Never mind that his command has fought for him to remain here, because he is the guy for this job. Never mind that the government is already out of money for the year. Because our reality is that he has to leave again. And while we have no idea where that may lead, the sandbox has been screaming at us, taunting us, ready to claim my husband to it's lands. Of course I have hopes, maybe we will get a nice tour to Germany, or maybe it will be a year hardship deployment without us. But all those things that I wrote in my last post are parading down Main Street with a brass band and red flags waving proud. We have approximately 5 months to prepare, to prepare our children for a life without Dad. For me to pull on my big girl pants once again (hopefully for the very last time) and set aside all my fears, disappointments, sadness and just be both Mom and Dad. We have been very fortunate that we will have been here for 4 years, that is huge. And we are thankful. I will be more thankful when we can retire him after all this time and he won't have to leave to places that need us and hate us and may be swallowed up by the sands of time again. We will see what our reality turns into, meanwhile I hope that God watches over us all.

How a Movie Can Bring You to Your Knees....

Although Tristan has not spoken of any one thing that he wants to pursue as his "job" in life, he has definitely become more interested in what his Dad does. For most kids this is easy, my dad is a trucker, lawyer, manager at some place and on and on. Tristan knows his Dad flew helicopters, but he is going beyond that now and wants to know more of the life and what takes place in his "new" field. So after his Dad turned him down to take him to Lone Survivor, I relented and went bearing half a box of tissues. I hadn't read the book like Tristan, but I knew what this movie was, I knew the feelings I was going to have as someone who has lived on the other side of this movie. But I wasn't prepared for my reaction at all. The movie was beautifully well done and is factually accurate and it does well to honor the lifestyle and bravery of all those battling in the field of special ops during these wars. I began to cry in the second minute of the movie, because watching the training videos I knew what was coming. It was a sold out show and I've never heard a quieter theater when the show was over, it seemed everyone was dealing with emotion on a grander scale. I couldn't stop crying. Even when we got home I continued, the tears just kept flowing. Savannah tried to wipe them away and asked if it was sad and if lots of people died. I just nodded and let her arms wrap around me and hold me tight. After all how do you describe to your children the fear that flows through you everyday while your spouse is at war, and out in that war, not just in the war zone which is dangerous enough by itself. The almost paralyzing fear a city's name halfway around the world can cause when it's blurted out on the nightly news. The fear between emails wondering if it is the last one. The last contact with the person you've made your life with. And all of this fear you bottle, so that the kids live as normal a life as possible with soccer and scouts and visits with grandparents and going to the zoo and doing homework and never knowing what lives inside of you. Because you can let them see you sad when you miss their Dad, but you can't ever burden them with the knowledge that he may never walk through that door again. And when he arrives home they are so happy to see him, you've all seen those videos. They are heartfelt and wonderful and make you want to cry, that is truly every homecoming. But what you don't see is the release in the spouse of that fear, which you don't let out until they are standing there in front of you. And that thing that has been living inside of you for that deployment slowly slips away and the release is so enormous that I could actually feel the difference. It hurt and was happy and sad and all at once so when you fall into those arms you are so completely exhausted of holding the watch at home. In that moment, life is going on all around you but for you it really does stop. And that is what I want my son to know, that these jobs are necessary and honorable and those brothers in your unit would die for you but so would that one waiting at home who has trouble breathing for 9 months or a year. And so this movie while ripping off the Band-Aid of those emotions I had boxed up and put on a shelf after the last deployment, also carried me through the roller coaster of life out there on the battlefield. It was a fantastic film, but too horribly real for me.