Gooooooooaaaaaaalllllll!

2014 is not even quite over and already I'm celebrating like it's in the rear view mirror. This year has not been kind to us. I was beginning to wonder about whether I had stolen someone's puppy, or torn up a kids teddy bear unknowingly, because it felt like karma was looming over us, cackling at our misfortune. There were days where I not only didn't want to raise myself out of bed, but then certainly did not want to be responsible for making any decisions, let alone dinner. And then gradually the sun began to peak out from behind the storm clouds. And I remembered that in January I had run for a reason. A woman I have never met, a mother of three, running in the daylight with her husband was hit by a drunk driver. She was killed as she ran with her husband. Like that, gone. And yet her legacy, her spirit, lives on. Meg Cross Menzies lives on in the 18,000 of us who run for her, with her family, with God, with each other. We cheer each other on, pay it forward in her honor, leave the world a little better. And so in my dark hours I remembered that and began to run. At the beginning I ran through anger, and sadness, and then to maintain my sanity. Some days are fun. Some days suck. And here's the amazing part of it all, I'm now a runner. So much so that my Christmas gifts consisted of new running shoes and attire, and I'm excited about it. I have friends around the world around, friends who I have never personally met who cheer me on, encourage me when I'm having a bad run. It's like having your mom, your number one supporter, multiplied by 18,000. Now that's a lot of cheerleaders in your corner. I am also never one to make resolutions, because I don't believe in them. However, I have set my goals for this year and they need to be public because they are huge for me. 1. I personally am going to run 700 miles this year. Even as I type this I am cringing and wondering what in the heck I'm doing.... 2. I am going to run at least one half marathon, but would love to make it 2 (with the 2nd being Richmond-where Meg lived) 3. I am teaming up with one of my new friends, who oddly enough is also a former military helicopter pilot (Army though, but I won't hold it against her, especially because she's doing the majority of the running!) to run 2015 miles in 2015. I will be donating the 700 ish. 4. To remember that my kids constantly change, perhaps each second they become new and different and to revel in their glory and wonder, and to be patient with them and cherish them and let them know that they are worthy and valuable and can change the world. It's not much, ok it's actually huge! And I'm scared and nervous and excited all wrapped up into one big ball. And while this certainly isn't soccer, at the end of this year you can certainly count on me to be screaming at the top of my lungs when I complete each and every one of these. But I know that my megsmiles team will be with me the whole way, and so tomorrow.....we run!

One Week To Christmas....

Christmas is a magical time of year, watch any kid. Their face lights up when making cookies for Santa, counting presents, brightly wrapped under a tree, staring in wonder at all the ornaments. This year is going to be hard for my kids. For the last four years we were privileged to live where my parents live. The Navy stationed us in the heart of the midwest, and we soaked it up and began to take it for granted. This year we are far away again, in a place that doesn't have seasons, without Daddy at home (although he will make a special appearance in time for Christmas!), and all the traditions we carried on in Omaha are a bit more difficult here, but we are doing the best we can. For example, Pops, gets all the grandkids together and makes gingerbread houses, or castles. He spends 4-5 days baking the gingerbread after they have all decided on what type of structure to build. Then he takes 6, yes 6, kids to the candy store where they spend a ridiculous amount of money on candy for decorating. It is one of the best traditions ever!

This year is a reminder to me. That what is important is sitting around that tree. And while we certainly are going to miss being with all of our family this Christmas, technology is pretty awesome and they can see the kids open their presents and still be a part of the day. And we can be a part of theirs. Merry Christmas!

And the Bell Tolled 11....

So you think that teaching for 10 hours yesterday would have been enough. I certainly thought I had earned a good nights rest, so I tucked all three kids in, had a glass of wine, brushed my teeth and went to bed. I snuggled down into my sheets and was out. That was about 10:50. At eleven Tristan is standing right next to me urging me to wake up. I bolt out of bed. Is he hot? Did he throw up? Is his back ok (he has strained a back muscle in soccer)? Did he hear a noise? No. He grabs my hand, "Come on mom, I'll just show you." I'm slightly worried. First, why is he still awake, and what is going on? He grabs his phone, taps on it and up pops this picture of a puppy. A pit bull terrier mix puppy named Zeus. Yes I'm aware of his name and that he currently resides in Miami, FL in a shelter. Tristan begins to tell me that this puppy only has 24 hours left to live and we need to save him. Mind you, this is all done not in a quiet library voice. But a sobbing, choked up, slightly screaming voice. At this point Jack comes out of his room to find out what the heck is going on. I look at Jack and all I'm thinking is what are you wearing????? He has three blankets tied together in some sort of poncho and a stuffed snake is tied into it as well so he's dangling. But, back to Tristan. For 10 minutes I have to defend why we aren't driving to Miami today to save a dog, or foster a dog or pay them money to take extra time and not put Zeus down. There is sobbing, monumental tears, Tristan blaming himself for the death of a dog who I don't even think is on the euthanasia list for today (yes I'm that sad that I woke up today and actually pulled up whether Miami-Dade was a no-kill shelter! Don't judge). Finally, I got Jack tucked into bed where he hit his knees and folded his hands and recited prayers (I know because when I finally got back to my bed I could still hear him talking to God, begging for Zeus' life) and got Bug tucked back in. I had tried reason, logic, logistics, and finally got him to bed with the line of "Well call them in the morning and find out if this story is even true!" When it comes to animals my kids will fall for anything and everything. All is quiet here this morning, I'm on my 3rd cup of coffee which is going to be necessary today, and I'm debating the sanity of waking them all up. But rats, I think the school bell just rang!

Homeschool madness....

My first degree in this world was in education. So you'd think that I would be an excellent candidate to homeschool my own children. And maybe I am, but today sure did not feel that way. Week 2 of The Yerger Academy started off innocently enough. After all, I had dug through closets and found an old laptop that I had hoped we could use as a second computer to help free up the load off the main computer. Found it stuck with all the winter gear, definitely on the low use scale here in Florida! I booted it up and got it moving and was so very excited. Monday morning arrives and I get two kids working at a time on lessons, I'm a hero! And then Tristan moves into Honors Algebra. It was crying, shouting, mumbling under his breath, screaming at the computer. The boy cannot figure out the rules for subtracting negative integers. Mind you he has a sheet that gives him all the rules, but we are still not grasping the concept. So I leave Jack upstairs doing physical and chemical changes, to attend to Bug. While I help him, Jack abysmally fails his science lesson. So literally I am running up and down stairs as emergencies ensue between the two boys. Meanwhile, lovely Savannah, she is completing spelling, Spanish, reading and writing. So our rules are if you fail you have to redo the lesson and quiz until you get it and can prove it with a passing grade. It's 8 o'clock now, we've been doing school for basically 12 hours today, I am fried. Worse than an egg. And I have to do this again tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after. These are the days where I look in the mirror and say to myself, "Really, you are doing what? You think that you all can survive homeschooling?" But then after 12 hours of lessons, when my Jack finally understands and passes a science lesson, after feeling stupid for hours on end, and screams with joy, then it's worth it. And the hug he gives me as he runs out of the room with the whispered, "I love you Mom," is worth the kinked neck, frazzled nerves and the bruise I have on my forehead from the constant banging on the table today. So today I'll wake up and do it all over again.

Things That I Have Learned From Merlin

So it's D-Day. Peace was not on this house last night as we slept, I tossed and turned and kept peeking out of bed to watch and listen to Merlin snore and run in his dreams next to me for the last night. And as I lay there with tears I thought of some good life lessons that this dog has taught me that I thought were worth sharing.... 1. Share. Sharing can be hard, your toys, your clothes, your heart. But it is important, unless it's peanut butter frozen yogurt with sprinkles on it, and then it may be okay to eat it all!

2. Be tolerant of others. Especially when they decide to dress you up or put barrettes all over you. In this case it was out of total love.

3. If you've done something wrong, take ownership for it. Especially if you ate someones Valentines Day candy.

4. Play. This can encompass a lot through life, starting off with peekaboo and evolving into whatever is your hobby as an adult, but don't forget that it's important to continue to play.

5. Enjoy a good fire. On a cool winter's night, there is nothing like a roaring fire watch and enjoy.

6. It's okay to accept help. At some point we all need it.

7. Stand up for what you believe in, or against those who would put you down.

8. Lastly, surround yourself with love.

Most of all I will miss his smile. Pal, I hope you know how much you are loved and what a hole you will leave. But your whole dog family is waiting for you on the other side and you can run and play again. You are the of your family to leave this place, thank you for all the wonderful years, thank you for being the best dog!

Memorial Day in our house....

I thought a lot about what to write, especially as I sat with tears streaming down my face watching the Memorial Day concert last night. There are so many who have paid the ultimate price for us to live at our standard here in the USA. And I do remember those I knew that we have lost along the way, and then I remember those who are still here, and their families, and I'm brought back to a Memorial Day 17 years ago. Brand new in the Navy, partying it up with a bunch of aviation friends at our pad in Corpus Christi out on the island. It was one of my roommates birthday that weekend and hard training started the next week so everyone was up for a good party. As the sun was setting on the water a random guy walked up and sat down next to me. At first I was annoyed because I was just wanting to watch the sunset in peace, but we talked and talked about everything and nothing. Hours passed. It was dark, the party ended and off he went. Little did I know that that chance encounter would change my life. That man professed his love for me on our first date, which scared me off. Then that man hit my leg in a soccer game, blowing out all 3 major ligaments in my knee causing full knee reconstruction in the midst of training. He took wonderful care of me during my recovery and presented me with a ring not long into our dating. After 3 days of mulling it all over I finally said yes and eased the poor guys pain. We were married less than a year later and to say it's been an interesting ride would be an understatement.

I have experienced the Navy on the active side. And I have experienced it on the side of a spouse saying goodbye repeatedly to a loved one, standing on the tarmac watching the helicopter get smaller and smaller on the horizon. I have been pregnant (fortunately he has actually made it home for all 3 deliveries!), moved, unpacked, sold cars and houses, fixed up cars and houses, dried countless tears of children who miss their father, breathed deeply when I thought it was too overwhelming to carry on alone anymore, been discharged from the Navy, gone back to school, been a cleaner, cooker, chauffeur, veterinarian, single mom, stay at home mom, working mom, frazzled mom, happy mom and a proud Navy wife and veteran.

So on Memorial Day as I get ready to pack and move for the last government mandated time, as I ready my children to be without their Dad for two years, for the last time, it may seem crazy but I feel blessed. No the next two years aren't going to be easy, and I'm sure there are days where there won't be enough wine at the store for me, but then I will crawl into bed and wake up the next day in a country where my children have choices: of who they want to be, where they want to go in life, and find a journey to get there. They won't be forced into labor (unless it's cleaning their rooms and our house!), or told their career choices or religion. They can respectfully stand up and shout out their opinions and listen to other opinions and learn and grow. For those that have fallen on the way....we will remember you today.

I Really Cannot Make This Stuff Up!

So typical morning here....woke up and made muffins for kids, got all boys up and going, then Savannah and everyone off to school. I shipped three fishing rods, swam 1/2 mile in under 20 minutes which for me is huge! Then swam a bit more, showered, hit the grocery, gassed up the car, washed the car, scrubbed the mats and vacuumed it out after winter. I know, at this point you are saying ok sounds busy, but what's the deal? Get home, eat an early lunch and finish two loads of laundry, let the dog out for about 20 minutes. Tape off two windows in the master bedroom and prime them. Carry the paint back downstairs very carefully and Merlin has pooped in the house! Set the paint down, clean up poop, crack open windows and get dog outside. Naturally it's all over his back end and the water is not turned back on here so I fill up buckets of warm water and wash his back end. When I have finished, I turn and look up and the cat is on the roof. Nope, not kidding, cat on the roof checking us out. I run back upstairs and catch that sneaky thing as she casually jumps onto the wet windowsill and onto the floor.

I live in a zoo, some days it is fun, some days it's insane and some days I need more wine!

Hopes vs. Reality

With the start of the movie last week it seems our lives have been centered on Afghanistan. Our lives are about to be put into a washing machine again.....for we've been given notice that my husband will be required to deploy again. Never mind that it will be his 10th deployment in 18 years, really 15 if you count all the training years. Never mind that his command has fought for him to remain here, because he is the guy for this job. Never mind that the government is already out of money for the year. Because our reality is that he has to leave again. And while we have no idea where that may lead, the sandbox has been screaming at us, taunting us, ready to claim my husband to it's lands. Of course I have hopes, maybe we will get a nice tour to Germany, or maybe it will be a year hardship deployment without us. But all those things that I wrote in my last post are parading down Main Street with a brass band and red flags waving proud. We have approximately 5 months to prepare, to prepare our children for a life without Dad. For me to pull on my big girl pants once again (hopefully for the very last time) and set aside all my fears, disappointments, sadness and just be both Mom and Dad. We have been very fortunate that we will have been here for 4 years, that is huge. And we are thankful. I will be more thankful when we can retire him after all this time and he won't have to leave to places that need us and hate us and may be swallowed up by the sands of time again. We will see what our reality turns into, meanwhile I hope that God watches over us all.

How a Movie Can Bring You to Your Knees....

Although Tristan has not spoken of any one thing that he wants to pursue as his "job" in life, he has definitely become more interested in what his Dad does. For most kids this is easy, my dad is a trucker, lawyer, manager at some place and on and on. Tristan knows his Dad flew helicopters, but he is going beyond that now and wants to know more of the life and what takes place in his "new" field. So after his Dad turned him down to take him to Lone Survivor, I relented and went bearing half a box of tissues. I hadn't read the book like Tristan, but I knew what this movie was, I knew the feelings I was going to have as someone who has lived on the other side of this movie. But I wasn't prepared for my reaction at all. The movie was beautifully well done and is factually accurate and it does well to honor the lifestyle and bravery of all those battling in the field of special ops during these wars. I began to cry in the second minute of the movie, because watching the training videos I knew what was coming. It was a sold out show and I've never heard a quieter theater when the show was over, it seemed everyone was dealing with emotion on a grander scale. I couldn't stop crying. Even when we got home I continued, the tears just kept flowing. Savannah tried to wipe them away and asked if it was sad and if lots of people died. I just nodded and let her arms wrap around me and hold me tight. After all how do you describe to your children the fear that flows through you everyday while your spouse is at war, and out in that war, not just in the war zone which is dangerous enough by itself. The almost paralyzing fear a city's name halfway around the world can cause when it's blurted out on the nightly news. The fear between emails wondering if it is the last one. The last contact with the person you've made your life with. And all of this fear you bottle, so that the kids live as normal a life as possible with soccer and scouts and visits with grandparents and going to the zoo and doing homework and never knowing what lives inside of you. Because you can let them see you sad when you miss their Dad, but you can't ever burden them with the knowledge that he may never walk through that door again. And when he arrives home they are so happy to see him, you've all seen those videos. They are heartfelt and wonderful and make you want to cry, that is truly every homecoming. But what you don't see is the release in the spouse of that fear, which you don't let out until they are standing there in front of you. And that thing that has been living inside of you for that deployment slowly slips away and the release is so enormous that I could actually feel the difference. It hurt and was happy and sad and all at once so when you fall into those arms you are so completely exhausted of holding the watch at home. In that moment, life is going on all around you but for you it really does stop. And that is what I want my son to know, that these jobs are necessary and honorable and those brothers in your unit would die for you but so would that one waiting at home who has trouble breathing for 9 months or a year. And so this movie while ripping off the Band-Aid of those emotions I had boxed up and put on a shelf after the last deployment, also carried me through the roller coaster of life out there on the battlefield. It was a fantastic film, but too horribly real for me.