Memorial Day in our house....

I thought a lot about what to write, especially as I sat with tears streaming down my face watching the Memorial Day concert last night. There are so many who have paid the ultimate price for us to live at our standard here in the USA. And I do remember those I knew that we have lost along the way, and then I remember those who are still here, and their families, and I'm brought back to a Memorial Day 17 years ago. Brand new in the Navy, partying it up with a bunch of aviation friends at our pad in Corpus Christi out on the island. It was one of my roommates birthday that weekend and hard training started the next week so everyone was up for a good party. As the sun was setting on the water a random guy walked up and sat down next to me. At first I was annoyed because I was just wanting to watch the sunset in peace, but we talked and talked about everything and nothing. Hours passed. It was dark, the party ended and off he went. Little did I know that that chance encounter would change my life. That man professed his love for me on our first date, which scared me off. Then that man hit my leg in a soccer game, blowing out all 3 major ligaments in my knee causing full knee reconstruction in the midst of training. He took wonderful care of me during my recovery and presented me with a ring not long into our dating. After 3 days of mulling it all over I finally said yes and eased the poor guys pain. We were married less than a year later and to say it's been an interesting ride would be an understatement.

I have experienced the Navy on the active side. And I have experienced it on the side of a spouse saying goodbye repeatedly to a loved one, standing on the tarmac watching the helicopter get smaller and smaller on the horizon. I have been pregnant (fortunately he has actually made it home for all 3 deliveries!), moved, unpacked, sold cars and houses, fixed up cars and houses, dried countless tears of children who miss their father, breathed deeply when I thought it was too overwhelming to carry on alone anymore, been discharged from the Navy, gone back to school, been a cleaner, cooker, chauffeur, veterinarian, single mom, stay at home mom, working mom, frazzled mom, happy mom and a proud Navy wife and veteran.

So on Memorial Day as I get ready to pack and move for the last government mandated time, as I ready my children to be without their Dad for two years, for the last time, it may seem crazy but I feel blessed. No the next two years aren't going to be easy, and I'm sure there are days where there won't be enough wine at the store for me, but then I will crawl into bed and wake up the next day in a country where my children have choices: of who they want to be, where they want to go in life, and find a journey to get there. They won't be forced into labor (unless it's cleaning their rooms and our house!), or told their career choices or religion. They can respectfully stand up and shout out their opinions and listen to other opinions and learn and grow. For those that have fallen on the way....we will remember you today.

I Really Cannot Make This Stuff Up!

So typical morning here....woke up and made muffins for kids, got all boys up and going, then Savannah and everyone off to school. I shipped three fishing rods, swam 1/2 mile in under 20 minutes which for me is huge! Then swam a bit more, showered, hit the grocery, gassed up the car, washed the car, scrubbed the mats and vacuumed it out after winter. I know, at this point you are saying ok sounds busy, but what's the deal? Get home, eat an early lunch and finish two loads of laundry, let the dog out for about 20 minutes. Tape off two windows in the master bedroom and prime them. Carry the paint back downstairs very carefully and Merlin has pooped in the house! Set the paint down, clean up poop, crack open windows and get dog outside. Naturally it's all over his back end and the water is not turned back on here so I fill up buckets of warm water and wash his back end. When I have finished, I turn and look up and the cat is on the roof. Nope, not kidding, cat on the roof checking us out. I run back upstairs and catch that sneaky thing as she casually jumps onto the wet windowsill and onto the floor.

I live in a zoo, some days it is fun, some days it's insane and some days I need more wine!

Hopes vs. Reality

With the start of the movie last week it seems our lives have been centered on Afghanistan. Our lives are about to be put into a washing machine again.....for we've been given notice that my husband will be required to deploy again. Never mind that it will be his 10th deployment in 18 years, really 15 if you count all the training years. Never mind that his command has fought for him to remain here, because he is the guy for this job. Never mind that the government is already out of money for the year. Because our reality is that he has to leave again. And while we have no idea where that may lead, the sandbox has been screaming at us, taunting us, ready to claim my husband to it's lands. Of course I have hopes, maybe we will get a nice tour to Germany, or maybe it will be a year hardship deployment without us. But all those things that I wrote in my last post are parading down Main Street with a brass band and red flags waving proud. We have approximately 5 months to prepare, to prepare our children for a life without Dad. For me to pull on my big girl pants once again (hopefully for the very last time) and set aside all my fears, disappointments, sadness and just be both Mom and Dad. We have been very fortunate that we will have been here for 4 years, that is huge. And we are thankful. I will be more thankful when we can retire him after all this time and he won't have to leave to places that need us and hate us and may be swallowed up by the sands of time again. We will see what our reality turns into, meanwhile I hope that God watches over us all.

How a Movie Can Bring You to Your Knees....

Although Tristan has not spoken of any one thing that he wants to pursue as his "job" in life, he has definitely become more interested in what his Dad does. For most kids this is easy, my dad is a trucker, lawyer, manager at some place and on and on. Tristan knows his Dad flew helicopters, but he is going beyond that now and wants to know more of the life and what takes place in his "new" field. So after his Dad turned him down to take him to Lone Survivor, I relented and went bearing half a box of tissues. I hadn't read the book like Tristan, but I knew what this movie was, I knew the feelings I was going to have as someone who has lived on the other side of this movie. But I wasn't prepared for my reaction at all. The movie was beautifully well done and is factually accurate and it does well to honor the lifestyle and bravery of all those battling in the field of special ops during these wars. I began to cry in the second minute of the movie, because watching the training videos I knew what was coming. It was a sold out show and I've never heard a quieter theater when the show was over, it seemed everyone was dealing with emotion on a grander scale. I couldn't stop crying. Even when we got home I continued, the tears just kept flowing. Savannah tried to wipe them away and asked if it was sad and if lots of people died. I just nodded and let her arms wrap around me and hold me tight. After all how do you describe to your children the fear that flows through you everyday while your spouse is at war, and out in that war, not just in the war zone which is dangerous enough by itself. The almost paralyzing fear a city's name halfway around the world can cause when it's blurted out on the nightly news. The fear between emails wondering if it is the last one. The last contact with the person you've made your life with. And all of this fear you bottle, so that the kids live as normal a life as possible with soccer and scouts and visits with grandparents and going to the zoo and doing homework and never knowing what lives inside of you. Because you can let them see you sad when you miss their Dad, but you can't ever burden them with the knowledge that he may never walk through that door again. And when he arrives home they are so happy to see him, you've all seen those videos. They are heartfelt and wonderful and make you want to cry, that is truly every homecoming. But what you don't see is the release in the spouse of that fear, which you don't let out until they are standing there in front of you. And that thing that has been living inside of you for that deployment slowly slips away and the release is so enormous that I could actually feel the difference. It hurt and was happy and sad and all at once so when you fall into those arms you are so completely exhausted of holding the watch at home. In that moment, life is going on all around you but for you it really does stop. And that is what I want my son to know, that these jobs are necessary and honorable and those brothers in your unit would die for you but so would that one waiting at home who has trouble breathing for 9 months or a year. And so this movie while ripping off the Band-Aid of those emotions I had boxed up and put on a shelf after the last deployment, also carried me through the roller coaster of life out there on the battlefield. It was a fantastic film, but too horribly real for me.

It was a dark and stormy night.....

Why is it that the most heart wrenching conversations with your kids never come when you are prepared for it? I was day 4 of being sick, had just coached Savannah's soccer practice in the rain, and finished the boys open house at 845 pm. Nobody has eaten and Jack and I are in the drive thru lane of Taco Bell watching a phenomenal lightning storm, waiting to order some long over due food. "Mom" he says so very softly, "I don't have any friends at school." I look over at him and his expression is so full of sadness I want to break down and cry. After all, we are now 4 weeks into school, surely he has a couple of friends. I ask him what he means, because he's a funny kid, I'm sure he has friends. "No Mom, not one friend in my classes." Apparently a girl in his strings class has been teasing him and humiliating him (to quote him) and now all the kids just stare at him and don't want to be his friend. There are so many different feelings I have about this. How can a spawn of some demonic entity be allowed to make fun of my Jack. (Okay, I know slightly overboard, but I'm mad, and sad, and I can call her names on my blog. I'm sure she's a really nice little girl, who can just be mean!) I'm gloriously happy because he hasn't punched her in the nose! And for those of you who know Jack well, he is showing some true growth here and maturity. Because 3 years ago, he would have just popped her for doing that. My heart breaks. He is such a funny, bright, smart, slightly annoying kid who is so fiercely loyal that he is probably the best friend you could ever have. I think my heart hurts more for him, because it's always him. It's him that has the battles to overcome; in health, school, friendships, everything. He has to fight so hard for everything. I can only think that there must be some great future for him, that he has to learn to fight for everything now so it comes easy for him later. It's not all sad though, there is a happy ending to this story.....forward to the next morning. We are late to school, I pull in the driveway and the boys dash off, Tristan to drop off his violin and Jack to make the long walk down the drive to the doors. I keep creeping ahead in the traffic. Coming the other way down the sidewalk is a dear friend of Tristan's, walking with another friend of his. N sticks out his fist across his friend as Jack gets near and he and Jack bump fists. No words, just knucks. And everyone goes on their way. I sit here writing that with tears in my eyes all over again. He could not possibly know how much that small gesture meant, not only to Jack, but to his mom who watched from the car in the driveway.

Has 15 Years Together Made us Weirder?

Is it really that weird to carry around a husband on a stick? I don't know, not for our family.... Since military duties take him away more often than not and we like to still feel that he is a part of our lives (especially 15th wedding anniversaries!) we tote around this dad on a stick and take pictures of us all together. I know you probably are saying, okay that's really pretty strange, but honestly it's not stranger than a lot of other things that happen in our house. *Stacy engulfing the whole entire grill on fire *having to figure out how to make our dog throw up just in case he ate poison *Jack burning Tristan with hot marshmallows *Jaesen living here for 3 years and still has trouble finding my mom's house, really? *Locking my own kids in the bathroom until they calm down *My kids who decide to cut their hair, their siblings hair, or shave various body parts, where does that come from? *The day that Jack decided to paint his toenails pink and then freaked out because it wouldn't come off. So you see, carrying a head on a stick is really not that odd. Happy Anniversary to my husband who is not here but we are carrying on and eating well without you! Love you babe.

Why so much drama in the morning?

This morning started like every other morning, me getting up and grabbing coffee. Then I moved on to wake the 12 year old and get him moving. Unfortunately, his bad attitude from the night before rolled right over to the wee hours of the morning. He is mad because I won't spot him $200 for a pair of Beats headphones. I know what you are thinking....what a horrible mother! Last night I went into uber detail about what $200 buys for this house, the list of things I continuously want and don't get, how much food costs these days and how if he had asked for them for Christmas he probably would have gotten them. I think maybe I had one glass too many of wine last night. Even Jaesen fell asleep during my 35 minute tirade. This resulted in said child pretending he was asleep or didn't know who we were. Fast forward to this morning and attitude central, luckily it was Jaesen who took him to school. At 8:00 I got the other two moving....and for whatever reason the attitude seemed to have permeate the household. Savannah got dressed and came to me with a new pair of earrings to put in her ears. First mistake: I agreed to do this before school. First one came out no problem, second one had blood on both front and back of ear that was dried. It hurt. I know it hurt, I have earrings too and that hurts. But the drama....the child laid her head on her arms on the bathroom counter, screaming and crying, "Why did I get my ears pierced? This was a horrible choice!" At this point I was screaming the same thing in my head while trying to console her and get her to stop screaming in that pitch that makes your skin crawl! So then I see that she has hair caught inside of the earring hole and I tell her I'm going to pull it out. Well that sucked! It came out with a huge blood clot attached to it and immediately started dripping blood. This only elevated the shrieking. At this point it's now 8:20 and Jack comes into the bathroom and wants to know what's with all the yelling. I give Savannah Motrin while explaining to Jack the earring dilemma to which he helpfully says, "Well you shouldn't have gotten your ears pierced!" Thank you Jack for that oh so helpful advice. We now have to leave in 15 minutes and aren't even close to being ready. I tell Savannah we need to get new ones in, clean her ears and put the one in the not ouchy side, no problem there. She wanted to try putting in the ouchy one but couldn't get it so she tells me to put it in slowly. Yeah right, I'm gonna jam it in there quick because it's going to hurt. But of course I'm nodding okay honey I'll go slow. The screaming ramps up again as I force the earring in and snap on the back. After drying those tears I get hair done, teeth brushed and even faces washed but am now ramping up my volume so we are not late for school. Fortunately they eat breakfast there...As we ran out the door to the car all I wanted to do was get into bed with a mimosa, these kind of mornings are few and far between but in hindsight they do make me laugh, which is good because otherwise I would drink at 8:30 in the morning, which so far doctors have not recommended!